During times of crisis and uncertainty, it may feel more challenged to show up as your best version of self in your relationship. The pre-Pandemic stressors may still be present and are amplified by a general increase in individual stress as well as the introduction of new stressors. Difficult is not impossible and you can build resiliency within your relationship. The key is to cultivate a space that allows for the range of emotions that individuals experience. Cultivating the space involves tapping into a sense of curiosity about yourself as well as about your partner. Here are a few tips to help create that space.
1. Engage in emotional awareness and acknowledgement
· What am I feeling in this moment?
Knowing your emotional temperature is beneficial to your relationship. Your emotional state as well as physical state play roles in how you react or respond to situations.
Use HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, and tired) "Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired right now?” This is a simple assessment of basic needs. When your basic needs are not met it is much easier to be reactive to a situation.
· Identify what is contributing to your feeling
Common Stressors
Finances
Communication challenges
Unmet expectations
Household chores
Lack of time spent together
Frequency and/or quality of sex
Additional Stressors
Crisis/trauma response
Health concerns
Different views and levels of risk aversion
Sharing workspace/Homeschooling
Lack of connection with social supports
No or decreased access to coping mechanisms
2. Practice gratitude
Gratitude is the state of being thankful and in a place to exercise appreciation. It may be difficult to recognize the things that you appreciate about the other person when a relationship is strained. However, gratitude is something that can be cultivated.
· List 3 things that you appreciate about your relationship
· List 3 things that you appreciate about the other person in the relationship
· List 3 things that you appreciate about how you show up in the relationship
3. Get creative
New experiences help to release tension in relationships. During times of stress, the tension outside of the relationship impacts the inside of the relationship. Having new ways to connect is one way to help ease the tension.
· Attend an online concert
· Create a digital scrapbook
· Take a virtual cooking class
4. Replace assumptions and guesses with questions and statements
Your thoughts belong to you. What you think another person is thinking or feeling is an assumption or a guess. Engaging in direct communication and asking questions helps the flow of communication.
· “I feel________.”
Use “I” statements as much as possible. Be cautious of the faux “I” statement. For example, “I feel like you don’t listen to me” is different from “I feel unheard.” Your “I” statement needs to convey your feeling state instead of a description of your partner’s behavior.
· “What did you mean by _________?”
This is a clarifying question. Instead of assuming what your partner meant, try inquiring. This question can be tricky so be mindful of tone.
· “I heard you say___________.”
If you do not see a way of communicating without sharing what you heard your partner say, try this instead of saying “you said.” This statement allows room for your partner to correct any inaccuracies and reduces blame.
5. Disengage to replenish and reengage
The “fight or flight” response is activated when faced with stressful situations. This happens in the everyday and is especially true now with the current global health crisis. In this state, stress hormones flood the nervous system. Your heart rate increases, your breathing becomes shallower and it becomes difficult to focus. This response may continue to run if not addressed. If you experience this type of flooding, it is very difficult to rationally resolve conflict. You need an actual break to be able to self-soothe.
· Develop a plan around taking breaks from conflict
· Acknowledge how you each will know when a break is needed
· Identify a space to take a break and solo activity that you enjoy
· Develop a plan around reconnecting and when it is a better time to engage in the topic
I invite you to take moments to recognize how resilient you already are and to use that to cultivate a shared resilience. Be love!